Does anyone out there do this well? Are there really people with an abundance of self-control? Are there people who can drink in moderation, eat in moderation, and even bitch in moderation? How do they do it? Aren’t these things life’s pleasures? They’re even more fun when you combine them all.
My lack of self-control is usually wine-centered. A glass or two at the end of the day sure hits the spot however, I’ve also seen the dark side of boozing far too many times in my life.
We want to to be genuine, we want to have integrity, and we want our behavior to line up with our beliefs. Maybe most of all, we want to feel in control of our own lives, to whatever extent that is possible.
Almost four months ago, I decided to try moderation for the first time. Here is what I learned…
Moderation is Often Harder than Abstinence
Alcohol is an addictive substance. That is just the truth. You might not be a raging alcoholic, but it is pretty easy to fall into the habit of a weeknight happy hour or Saturday night cocktails. It is built into our culture.
The physical effects of alcohol leave you wanting more. It’s incredibly easy for one drink to turn into three, especially when you’re really feelin’ it.
Personally, my goal was to be sober more nights than not. As a child of two heavy drinkers, I remember hating how inaccessible and/or unpredictable my parents could be. Past a certain time of day all bets were off.
In addition, every time I pour myself a glass, my toddler likes to follow me around the room, pointing at it, yelling, “Wine! Wine! Wine!”
So yeah, it was time to take stock of my choices.
I decided to abstain Monday through Thursday. I can have a glass or two, Friday through Sunday. If we are going to a long, drinking centered event (like a pub crawl for my husband’s birthday), the absolute cut-off is three drinks. Those were the rules I somewhat arbitrarily made-up.
Willpower is Finite
You know that feeling when you’re in the toothpaste aisle at the grocery store and there appear to be a million choices. One promises fresh breath, another offers cavity protection, another prevents gingivitis. You can’t even remember if you normally buy Crest or Colgate. Surely you don’t want cavities OR gingivitis. You end up just standing there, milk getting warm in your basket, thinking, “Christ, I don’t know! I just need some fucking toothpaste!”
Just me? Oh.
Anyway, decisions add up. The more you make, the more mentally exhausted you become. This is what makes moderation harder than abstinence. It’s all the fucking thinking.
If you know you aren’t going to drink, you don’t even have to think about it. If you’re trying moderation, you might find yourself debating or rationalizing. This can exhaust your willpower and make you just want to say, “Fuck it. Pour me another.”
Is Moderation Even Possible?
To get into the spirit of things, I’ve been reading a lot of quit lit lately. Many of the authors I’ve read don’t think mindful moderation works. The reasons they give make a lot of sense. I’ll write a post about my favorite sober reads soon, but back to the matter at hand…
For me, right now, moderation has been a good thing. Quitting full stop seemed to be an awfully daunting place to start.
Two years ago, when I found out I was pregnant with our son, I had to go from drinking a bottle of wine a day (I was on vacation!!), to total sobriety. Pregnancy brought so many new problems it was hard to care about having to be sober. Mostly, I just wanted to stop feeling sick.
Here is the kicker, though – I didn’t feel like I had any control, at a time when I had desperate little control over my body. It wasn’t a choice to stop drinking. It felt like a requirement, or worse, a punishment.
I’ve been trying to psych myself up to have another kid. Before I make that catastrophic leap, I wanted to try moderation and sobriety, on my terms. I wanted to make a choice just for me. The idea was to see what it feels like to be sober, healthy, and NOT PREGNANT.
The Results
This experiment is ongoing. I’ve enjoyed questioning the use of a substance that is so culturally promoted and glamorized (at least in the US).
You know what the opposite of glamour is? A hangover.
Moderation has led to some amazing changes. First, I have been saving money on groceries. Food cannot be replaced with booze. Now, I have more money to spend on things that actually nurture my body (or much better bottles of wine for when I do indulge).
Also, I have been sleeping like a fucking baby. Even a little bit of alcohol really messes with my sleep. I thought I was just an insomniac!
Perhaps my favorite change is that I’m more mentally even. Let me explain. One of the things that led me here, was that on the occasions when I did over imbibe, I annoyed the hell out of myself.
I’d be anxious the whole next day. Sober me would catalogue all of drunk me’s failures, as if to ask, “Why do you even hang out with her?” We use alcohol to feel social and gregarious, but when the party is over, it can really do a number on your self-esteem.
Finally, not being hungover is the mothafucking greatest. Take away the body-wrecking, soul-extinguishing kind of hangover. Then take away the more subtle, I-had-a-half-glass-too-many-last-night-and-everyone-is-annoying-today kind. Once you do that, there is a lot less struggle in your daily grind.
Turns out it’s a lot easier to be a grown-up if you stop acting like a dumb college kid. The first week of my new moderation rules was excruicating, the first month was hard, but I also started to see some benefits. Now, by four months in, it has become my new normal and I’m liking that.
It feels good to make a change. Cutting back on alcohol has improved my finances, my sleep, my mood, and my overall health. It’s hard to ignore that there is a lot to be gained by experimenting in moderation.