I have struggled with anxiety and low self-esteem my whole life. It’s hard to feel confident when you’re busy being afraid all the time.
It feels icky to admit that, because I usually try to hide any evidence of it. I know I’m not alone. Most of us have a public persona that we use to ease social interaction. Sure, on the inside I’m telling myself I’m a lazy, stupid, ugly, aging piece of garbage, but that can be easily covered with a smile!
People Pleasing Smiles
I spent my teenage years hiding in a dingy sweatshirt and staring at my shoes. I silently prayed to become invisible. As I grew up, I learned some tricks to better fake confidence.
It seems like as a woman, you can’t smile enough. It’s fucked up, but people respond to it. Plaster on that fake smile! Force that eye contact. It will work wonders.
My confidence charade isn’t very sustainable. Do people close to me know it’s an act? I’m sure. I’m not that great of an actress. It does however, help me move through the world with ease.
Is faking it the healthiest coping mechanism? Nope, but it’s not the unhealthiest either! Sometimes you can even fool yourself. I’ve been to therapy. I know the drill. I can hear my old therapist telling me to talk back to my cognitive distortions. Yeah, yeah.
Lately, it has been really hard.
Anxiety, My Old Friend
This isn’t my first time around the block. Alcoholism, depression, and anxiety all run in my family. I’ve watched my loved ones suffer. Many people know that wretched, “I will never be like them” indignation. I’ve been determined to make different choices and to not play the victim. Any yet, here I am. The struggle continues.
My anxiety has been bad the last month. The focus has been solely on surviving each day. I’ve been waiting and hoping to feel better.
Ch-Ch-Changes
Little changes can help. I’ve cut back on coffee (which ranks with my husband and my son as one of the great loves of my life). I’m drinking fucking chamomile tea instead. SIGH. I’m going to bed early, and taking my sleep aids when I need to. I’ve been trying to take more walks and burn up that extra energy. I still can’t seem to pry my cell phone out of my hand, but I am trying to find some calm.
Anxiety, depression, and plummeting self-worth are all cars on the same train. Lately, I feel like I have a daily commute to self-destruction. It’s hard to talk back to all these negative thoughts. They’re relentless.
Negativity beats you down until your spirit grows tired. “You’re right brain. I’m a shitty failure. No one likes me. I have nothing to offer. I’m a terrible mother and a worthless human being. Can I please just get some sleep now?” Your brain has no idea what it’s talking about. It really is just a malfunctioning asshole.
During the last week I’ve felt a little better. I don’t feel like a scared little mouse ALL the time. Getting over the self-doubt is maybe the hardest part. The goal is to be as kind to myself as I would be to others. I’m going to keep fighting the good fight and so should you. Hopefully, the days will keep getting a little easier.
Stay Real and Own the Struggle
I wrote this without any real answers for you. All I know is the instinct to hide, probably won’t help. I’m going to keep faking it until it feels real, but I’m also going to be open and honest about the fact that I’m struggling.
Trying to build this blog has definitely made me feel vulnerable. I don’t understand anything technical. My ability to write well has certainly atrophied over the years. Finally, there is that nagging feeling that I am annoying as fuck; I should really just shut up, hide away, and wait for my life to be over.
I’m tired of feeling afraid and unworthy. Hopefully, someday soon, I’ll even get the courage to promote this blog. Maybe someone will actually read it!
Hi, hypothetical future reader! Thank you so much!
If you have been struggling too, know that you are in good company. Us sensitive souls have got to stick together!
I’m going to end this with the only mantra that has ever worked for me. I started using it before I knew what a mantra was.
Freshman year of college, I was alone on campus surrounded by smart, very attractive people. In order to force myself out of my dorm room, I had repeat to myself, “You have just as much right to be here as anyone else.” Maybe it’s dumb, but it worked. It got me through the day. Over the years, I’ve realized it doesn’t just apply to college campuses, filled with wannabe Abercrombie models.
You have every right to be here. You’re great. Live the life you want and be kind to yourself.